My grandma was a strong, smart, and very funny woman. She was an amazing storyteller and loved to share her life stories. Throughout my childhood, she always encouraged me to be creative.

After she was diagnosed with Alzheimer's, I watched this woman I looked up to fade away. At the same time, I watched my mom's life change as she became my grandma's caregiver.

This is a conceptual series about Alzheimer's and the ripple effects it creates in families. We spend our whole lives creating memories that shape who we are, but what happens when the memories are no longer there?

I created six images that represent what the three of us went through during this time, and I will be sharing our story with them.  

 

When I get stuck and I’m not feeling creative one of the things I do is look back on work I made in the past. I look for images that excite me and ones I really enjoyed creating. Doing this has led me in a new direction that I am really excited about. 

All the images that jumped out to me had one thing in common. I created the space. 

The very first image I created when I began this journey involved me creating a space out of a box and then editing myself into it. I’ve come a long way since I created that image, but the love for creating something with my hands hasn’t faded. 

Creating in a new way can be scary and I know I have a lot to learn, but I loved every moment of creating this image!

You can see how I created this space below.

"Seized" May 2018

Anxiety creates so much unnecessary fear and doubt. It's caused me to hold myself back from pursuing so many different dreams of mine. It's made me feel like I need to keep my dreams small because I won't be able to achieve anything great. I really believed this for the longest time. When I started creating conceptual work I was terrified to share it with anyone. Over two years later my work has been in numerous galleries hanging next to so many talented artists. I don't say that to brag. I never thought anyone would be interested in my work or what I had to say.

For the longest time this fear and doubt caused me to feel like I would never fit in anywhere. The same year I began creating conceptual work I attended the Promoting Passion Convention hosted by Brooke Shaden. I was absolutely terrified. I had an anxiety attack just before getting on the plane. I was so worried about what everyone would think of me and that I was making a mistake by going. I was so wrong. This convention and the people who attend changed my life. I'm not saying that lightly...I mean really it changed my life. I went back home feeling connected to so many people through art and feeling like the work I was creating was important.    

Had I let my anxiety take creating and sharing work from me I never would have seen these two dreams of mine become a reality. It wasn't easy...anxiety definitely doesn't make it easy. For those of you who deal with anxiety I hope you know how strong you are. I hope you know that despite how little anxiety can make you feel you can accomplish your dreams. And most importantly I hope you know you aren't alone. 

I loved creating this image! I bought the fake cobweb around last Halloween and I have been dying to use it. It was so much fun to set this photo up. The clean up....not so much.

"Tangled" May 2018

I have gone weeks, months even, feeling like I have my anxiety under control. Then I'll have bad days where it will all come back. Anxiety can leave you feeling trapped. Trapped between the fear I physically feel and the logic of knowing there's nothing to be afraid of. It's so frustrating knowing that I am stronger than my anxiety, but that not translating into how my body is reacting. 

"Man, you really know how to get someone down
Everything was fine until you came around
I've been chasing after dreamers in the clouds
After all wasn't I the one who said
To keep your feet on the ground?
Man, you really brought me back down."

-Paramore

I have to admit now that I am nearing the end of sharing this series(one photo left) I'm starting to feel relieved. I thought creating these images was going to be the hard part, but opening up and writing about what I have/am going through has been exhausting. Social media is usually used to share the good stuff. It's been terrifying lifting this curtain and talking about my anxiety. I know that it's worth it though. The messages and comments I have received from those of you fighting the same battle have meant everything. 

"Battles Within" May 2018

Anxiety isn't something you can see...for the most part. I went a long time hiding it. People just assuming I'm shy, but having no idea the battle I was going through right in front of them. There are so many things people are struggling with that you can't see. I can't even count the times I have been told "don't be so quiet" or some variation of that. Which usually makes me laugh because that should be a simple problem to fix. Usually what's going on right before I'm told that is me thinking of about 100 different things to talk about and then overthinking why each one would be a stupid thing to say. All while trying to keep a smile on my face so I don't reveal the melt down I'm having on the inside.   

 "But there's a scream inside that we all try to hide
We hold on so tight, we cannot deny
Eats us alive, oh it eats us alive"

-Sia

Before I began shooting I knew I wanted to get the motion of this pose in camera. I don't normally shoot like this, so it took a lot of tries before I got the process down. The before shot is below. Yes...I am standing on my son's potty training potty. It's clean and not in use anymore I promise!😂 I love trying out new ways of creating and this one gave me so many more ideas for photos in the future.

"Buried" May 2018

Anxiety steals a lot from you. One of the biggest things is time. It's frustrating to think how much time I have wasted worrying, over thinking, and not feeling comfortable with who I am. So many moments that I won't get back. It's crazy because thinking back I didn't even realize I was doing it. Worrying just became a normal part of who I was. As much as last summer sucked(when my anxiety took over), I am grateful. If it hadn't gotten as out of control as it did I would have never realized how "not normal" my mind was. 

“It comes in waves, I close my eyes

Hold my breath and let it bury me.”

-Bring Me the Horizon

This image was a fun one to create. I had my mom pour sand on me over and over until I found the right pose for the photo.(Behind the scenes below) It took about 3 days to get all the sand out of my hair! 

"Abandoned" May 2018

This was the first photo I shot for this series and it's probably my favorite. Anxiety brings all of my biggest fears to the forefront of my mind. Much like the negative thoughts, my fears are replayed in my mind over and over again. Abandonment is a fear I've carried with me since childhood. I'm not really sure why, but this fear that I'm going to be left behind or forgotten has always stuck with me.

One of the biggest lies that anxiety led me to believe is that I was alone. As a teenager I believed this lie and although it's slowly being silenced it's still something I carry around. I felt that I was so unworthy of love that I found it hard to understand why anyone would want to be around me. Because of this I rarely let anyone in and if I did I was terrified of losing them.

Looking back I know how wrong I was. There were so many people I could have talked to about what I was feeling. Anxiety does a really good job at making you feel alone. Since opening up my anxiety it's brought me closer to those around me and helped me see that there are so many others going through the same thing.

“Am I the only one I know

  Waging my wars behind my face and above my throat.

Shadows will scream that I'm alone.”

- Twenty One Pilots

"Voices" May 2018

During the summer of 2017 my anxiety got out of control. It wasn’t just something I got every now and then. It began to take over my life. I couldn’t simply go to the store, talk on the phone or even leave my house without “preparing” myself to do so.

It took me awhile to even notice how bad it had gotten. I remember one day in particular I found myself deciding when I was going to mow the lawn based on when I knew there wasn’t a chance of running into any of my neighbors. After subconsciously deciding this…I remember  just stopping and thinking “why the hell am I doing this?!”

I was terrified of the idea of possibly talking to people. Even just small talk. I feel embarrassed admitting all this because I know logically how ridiculous this fear sounds, but this is the reality I lived in for 3 straight months until I did something about it.

Once I took a step back and realized how bad my anxiety was I began trying different things to fix it. First I spent time trying to figure out where this fear was coming from. I’ve always been quiet and tended to keep to myself, but this was a completely different level of that. Why were these simple every day things not easy anymore?

I think I just had this deep rooted fear that every one around me was judging me. That I wasn’t good enough or less somehow. I think this stemmed from those “negative thoughts” anxiety brings…like I talked about in my last post.

So I began telling myself “no one cares”. I know this sounds really negative, but I mean it in a positive way. For example, the other people shopping at the store aren’t paying any attention to me and what I am doing. They are there to shop and focusing on what they are doing. More importantly, they can’t see how much I am panicking inside. It may not seem like much, but this small thought process change made a huge difference in my life.

Have any of you ever felt this way? Like anxiety has taken over your life?

I would love to hear what you have found that helps.

"Noise in the Air" May 2018

During and usually a good while after an anxiety attack my mind is filled with negative thoughts. All the work I have put in and positivity I have filled my mind with gets crumpled up and thrown to the side. At first it's easy to push negative thoughts away because I know it's only from my anxiety, but after awhile of things like "you aren't good enough" "you'll never beat this" "you aren't strong enough" it gets hard not to give in and believe them. This, for me, is the most exhausting thing about anxiety. Just when I think I have learned how to turn it off it finds it's way in again.

"These wars that I fight from within

I don't know where they end and I begin

I try, I try to calm them down

But these thoughts they keep spinning

Round and round, round and round."

- Big Little Lions

This photo was not my original concept. Usually when I shoot for a photo I do a back up pose just in case my original idea doesn't turn out how I want it to. Up until the day before I released this series I had my original levitation photo (below) in the series. I wanted to like it because it was the first concept I drew up when I began working on this series. It also wasn't an easy concept for me to photograph. Much like jumping I am also not very graceful when trying to create levitation photos. I got many bruises from that shoot. I had to let all my attachments to it go and accept that it wasn't as strong as it could be. I'm much happier with how the back up photo turned out.

(Original concept)

What things do you do to bring more positivity into your mind?

"Thrown" May 2018

I deal with a little social anxiety here and there. This photo however, is more about my experience with anxiety attacks. For me they come out of no where. Most of the time I have no idea what sparks it. One minute I'm fine and then the next I am hit with this wave of emotions. My body physically has a reaction. My heart starts to race, my chest feels weighed down and all my concentration goes to focusing on breathing.

I wanted to show what this feels like. I was super committed to doing just that. When I originally draw up my concepts I don't think about the "how". I knew I didn't want to fake it with photoshop. I wanted to really throw myself backwards. So I got out a cushion(that I got years ago when I thought I wanted to pursue newborn photography....it's finally found a purpose) and added a pillow on top to soften the landing. 

I quickly learned that this wasn't going to be easy. It turns out I am not a very graceful jumper....as you can see below. I also learned that I need to exercise more! The next day I felt like I had been in a car accident 😂

For those of you who deal with anxiety/panic attacks what steps do you take to calm down?

"Veil" May 2018

Even though I have been talking about anxiety more, it still feels uncomfortable. Anxiety is all in my head. I physically feel it, but rarely let it show in front of people. When I started drawing up ideas for this series last December I was terrified of opening my mind and letting people see in. I pushed forward because I know I'm not alone in dealing with anxiety. I know there are others out there who like me struggle to explain what anxiety is like. 

"You are not floating alone in this awful void" - Levi the Poet

This was actually the last photo I shot. All the photos that made it into the series were preplanned except for this one. I wanted at least one where I got out of my head and just created solely based on how I felt in the moment. The idea that I was about to reveal all these photos and openly talk about anxiety online was weighing on me. I felt as though I was about to take off the comfortable layer that the world sees and reveal what I normally try to hide.

Over the couple years that I have been creating and sharing my work with others I have found that being vulnerable, although scary, can be quite rewarding. It reminds me that I'm not alone in this. It brings connections with others that I wouldn't have had otherwise. While sharing with the world might not be the answer for everyone, I do encourage that if you struggle with anxiety please don't struggle alone. Find at least one person to talk to about what's going on. Opening up to others helped me feel more "in control" of what was going on.